I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

Love is the spirit of divinity within every man.

There was no going back to the way things were, because all you ever got was the way things are.

You can take the Muslim out of the Caliphate, but you can't take the Caliphate out of the Muslim.

I don't feel like it's a wasted vote because I think it encourages more people like that to run. I vote for the candidates that aren't bought and paid for like the Clintons.

Anti-theism presupposes Theism

Our great civilization, here in America and across the civilized world has come upon a moment of reckoning.

I was born in Morocco and lived there until I was 13; I'm really proud of my heritage.

The subconscious acts first on the dominating desires.

Baseball is about talent, hard work, and strategy. But at the deepest level, it's about love, integrity, and respect.

The first thing that's important is to really have people believe in you. If you have that, you can do anything.