I've always been criticised for how filthy my material is. Victoria Wood said to me once, 'I wish I was a bit ruder, like you,' and I said, 'Well, I wish I was a bit cleaner, like you.'

By puberty I learned that nothing worth having could be easily attained and to succeed one must be single minded.

As long as we prioritize material truths over spiritual truths we will live in tyranny because we are living an illusion

You must not feel persecuted and examined. Liberate yourself from the idea that people are watching you.

The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing.

People say you should read your criticism because it will make you a better person but it doesn't. It just makes you a sad bitter old showbiz nightmare.

I get fixated when I'm bleeding -- I can see why they went in for blood-letting in the medieval times because it makes you feel a bit better. When I cut myself, the drama of it calms me down.

A library doesn't need windows. A library is a window.

There are two types of people in this world: one who opens a packet of biscuits, has one and puts the rest back in the cupboard, and one who eats the whole packet in one go.

The bad-boy label is just an assumption.

There are 10-20 times more male comics than female comics; it's something to do with the social structure of society.

Never be ruled by possessions, and never, ever make wealth more important to you than your self-respect and your dignity." - Lady Taylor

Selfishness is the root of all jealousy. When we are caught up thinking about ourselves, we can't think about anyone else.

I always try to make the music that I like and think my fans will like.

To govern means to pillage, as everyone knows.

The understanding smile of an old wife to her husband is one of the loveliest things in the world.

Many things have gone wrong with the world that God made and... God insists, and insists very loudly, on our putting them right again

What really matters is not just our own winning but helping other people to win, too.

Don't you know that you're blowing my mind? What you do to me I can't describe. Baby, I can't hold back anymore. I just can't conceal it. You're the one I really adore.

When I die, now don't think that I'm a nut, don't want no fancy funeral, just one like old King Tut.

It's very worrying at this time in the world that any point of view should be prohibited, that's banned, there are heretics that should be burned at the stake.