I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

A woman can't do anything about her appearance. Either she's pretty or she isn't. But her character is quite another matter.

What lies behind us & what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

This is a work of memory -- facts have been altered. Names have been changed.

I think I will drink my hemlock now....

It is possible to have a pretty good life and career being a leech and a parasite in the media world, gadding about from TV studio to TV studio, writing inconsequential pieces and having a good time.

It was sad and fierce all at once, alive with a lonely purity.

God is more eager to answer than we are to ask.

At the end of the day, if you can't say a line right, it does not matter who your contacts are.

He does not call those who are worthy, but those whom He wills.