I've always been very averse to innuendo, especially sexual. I find it cowardly or something.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Listen to life, and you will hear the voice of life crying, Be!

It’s not right because it just isn’t. You can’t go round making up evidence just because you’re convinced someone is guilty. You can’t be judge and jury

...at some indiscernible moment he sees all of us clearly — every face distinct, like immiscible droplets of water, all of us individuals constituting an interconnected sea of beings.

Language is the leading principle which unites or separates the tribes of mankind.

We shall not enter Palestine with its soil covered in sand, we shall enter it with its soil saturated in blood

There can be no high civilization where there is not ample leisure.

As for difficulties," replied Ferguson, in a serious tone, "they were made to be overcome.

I guess I'll fade off into bolivian

I am not one of those writers that it just flows out of effortlessly. I have to sit and write and rewrite and sometimes it's really challenging to get anything good out of myself.

All problems are people problems. And most people problems are people refusing to act like people.