I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

God requires two things: ‘pure love’ and ‘true justice’. Everywhere else there is relative justice. Where ‘pure love’ and ‘true justice’ exist, there comes the grace of God!

Of course I'm jealous. I thought I was going to get to punch him. That isn't the point.

The airplane stays up because it doesn't have the time to fall.

I think once I was in high school - I had boyfriends and stuff like that, but I think when I was younger, I went through a period where I looked like a boy, and people thought I was a boy.

Hello and good-bye are not as simple as everyone thinks.

For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.

I have said for a long time that I thought the president would be best served if the attorney general resigned so I think it's the right thing to do.

I will not use my legislative powers except in a very limited framework.

She did her work with the thoroughness of a mind which reveres details and never quite understands them.

Let us forget the past - this is the only way to be genuinely surprised.