I've always got the road. Stand-up makes you so autonomous and self-sufficient that it really helps with that part of show business.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

Mindfulness isn’t inherently Eastern, just as electricity isn’t inherently Western. Mindfulness is a quality of presence that’s innate in all human beings.

I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore there be any kindness I can show...let me do it now.

I think the fans of the old-school Internet shorts were a little bit older just because it was racier material.

Animators have to live life 24 times as long as we do - every 24 frames of a second.

Every war, when it comes, or before it comes, is represented not as a war but as an act of self-defense against a homicidal maniac.

You must understand printing lies about Republican candidates is OK. It's called vetting. Printing the truth about liberals - that's called "swift-boating."

When you see a white guy at three in the morning on your beat in an alley, you kind of - "What's this guy doing here?"

Living is a pretty grim joke, but a joke just the same.

The biggest disease in North America is busyness.

Anywhere I hang my heart is home... it's just the closet that keeps moving.