I've always loathed rich people, so I've become who I've loathed, which makes it doubly difficult, if you can follow me.

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.

Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life.

Give a guy a girlfriend and a great job, he doesn’t need therapy.

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

Women love a self-confident bald man.

Sometimes you have to wander a bit, and do what you don't want to in order to figure out what it is you're supposed to do.

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone

Wednesday had come and gone in a single breath. As I dreamt of divine love, Picasso, and a vast field of gold, a new dawn had already begun.

Comes a day when everything you thought you had put behind you sets up its tent in the middle of what you were still hoping you could call tomorrow and yells out, ‘Right this way.’Well, here I come.

We may hop when the gods say 'frog, ' but we still get to choose how fast and how high.

A healthy social life is found only when, in the mirror of each soul, the whole community finds its reflection, and when, in the whole community, the virtue of each one is living.

I've come to the conclusion that everybody should marry, including me.

I'm a standup comedian who gets to act. I'm never going to not do standup. I love doing it and when I go through periods where I'm doing a lot of acting work, I still do standup.

My parents love each other. They work through their problems.

Now, the engineers and managers believe with all their hearts the glorious things their forebears hired people to say about them. Yesterday's snow job becomes today's sermon.

Solidly know content you feel passionate about and that your audience needs to know.

At one point, Lucille's agent wanted to have me fired, telling her that my eyes were bigger than hers. When I head this, I told her that if I had her looks and talent, I'd keep me and fire the agent!