I've always looked older.

Telling me that I’m obsessed with talking about racism in America is like telling me I’m obsessed with swimming when I’m drowning.

I don't tie my shoes right. I tie them the way you would tie a gift, like a bow.

I am able to apply certain things to my craft that maybe other comedians don't, because I'm a devotee.

We've never had a female President in this country, which I find stunning

For years now, people have mentioned my mustache and get disappointed that when they see me live I don't have a mustache.

Another stupid thing I believed for a long time was that pizza was supposed to be said peed-za.

I don't look like a lot of fun. I just don't.

There are a lot of times where people think I'm in things that I'm not in, because they think I'm Kumail Nanjiani.

It's always fun when you see different comics at different weights or with different hair.

I wrote a lot of poetry in the last two years of high school, all about the same girl I was in love with. That was pretty awful. Did you know that in poetry, every line does not need to rhyme?

Close your eyes. Now see the world, not with your vision but with your feelings and passion.

A home is not a mere transient shelter: its essence lies in the personalities of the people who live in it.

Never do what the devil provokes you to do

There are no greater or lesser arts, only greater or lesser artists.

Saying thank you is more than good manners. It is good spirituality.

Blood spurted from his nose. Okay, I couldn't help myself. I burst out laughing.

You're not going to win by automatically going out there. It's hard to know what people really expect of you, and I've never tried to live up to expectations anyway. That's no way to play baseball.

One of the greatest enemies to vision is sight!

Demand not that I am the equal of the greatest, only that I am better than the wicked.

All good ideas are terrible... Until people realize they are obvious. If you're not willing to live through the terrible stage, you'll never get to the obvious part.