I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

There is something immoral about abandoning your common sense in matters of social importance.

If human beings were really progressive creatures, then all boys would be smarter, healthier, and, wealthier, than their grandfathers.

I felt audiences are happier to take comedy people who play darker people because there's a link between the psychosis of comedy and the psychosis of being a twisted character.

If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow.

Most, it would seem to me, do not care for nature and would sell their share.

There's a much bigger world out there.

We pardon infidelities, but we do not forget them.

I think many people with a chronic illness would prefer not to have their chronic illness, simply because it's high maintenance.

For let us women be never so ill-favored, I imagine that we are always delighted to hear ourselves called handsome.

Plays, gentlemen, are to their authors what children are to women: they cost more pain than they give pleasure.