I've always said that instead of watching a guy juggle seven things amazingly I would rather see a really bad juggler who's really funny.

But the mechanics of learning to 'throw your voice' are pretty simple. Anyone with a tongue, an upper palate, teeth, and a normal speaking voice can learn ventriloquism.

When a bad experience happens, you just chalk it up to the great fact that you just got five more jokes in the show.

As humans we like to laugh at our fears, we like to whistle in the dark.

A comedian needs to have his own filters, needs to know his audience, how far he can push things.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Everybody has their favorite character.That's the only way I pick, whatever is going on in society, whatever I think folks will laugh at that's what I come up with.

I started in a business background, but then it was like, 'you know, I can't do math,' so I changed it to a liberal arts degree and got my Bachelor of Arts in Communications and it made sense.

I've got an answer to where Osama bin Laden is and I know, he's dead and living in my suitcase with my dummies.'

I used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer.

You never know how long your fifteen minutes of fame is going to last.

In case nobody has told you, " she said, "this is the United States of America, where nobody has a right to rely on anybody else--where everybody learns to make his or her own way.

Sometimes your loved one doesn't understands that you need them, It hurts but when they say they knows you very well it hurts even more as u know its not true.

if you are always drinking, you should probably never drive

Either you decide to stay in the shallow end of the pool or you go out in the ocean.

More and more, when faced with the world of men, the only reaction is one of individualism. Man alone is an end unto himself. Everything one tries to do for the common good ends in failure.

Strong as it looks at the outset, State-agency perpetually disappoints every one. Puny as are its first stages, private efforts daily achieve results that astound the world.

I definitely did look up to John. We all looked up to John. He was older and he was very much the leader; he was the quickest wit and the smartest.

The wisest of you men is he who has realized, like Socrates, that in respect of wisdom he is really worthless.

To strive for something better - at least there's a chance.

We imagine that waking-life is real and that dream-life is unreal, but there does not seem to be any evidence for this belief.