I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

We have worth because we were created in the image and likeness of God.

all the wordsall the poems know my warm, soft spots.

When you say a situation or a person is hopeless you are slamming the door in the face of God.

I try to do the right thing with money. Save a dollar here and there, clip some coupons. Buy ten gold chains instead of 20. Four summer homes instead of eight.

I'm much more accepting of myself. A lot of my body issues have naturally settled down.

I calmed myself by walking into my nearby bookstore and marveling at all the books other people had written. So many people had finished and published novels; it couldn’t be so hard, right?

People who are in a fortunate position always attribute virtue to what makes them so happy.

What is a well-chosen collection of pictures, but walls hung round with thoughts?

I've had watermelon hair where I had pink with green tips. From the age of 13 to about 19 or 20, I never had my real hair color.

Fear and Bigotry are bred fom isolation and ignorance. -Shekinah