I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Stand in Your Power: When a woman stands in her power and speaks her truth from the heart, it brings balance into the Universe and the opportunity to connect fully with Divine source

Only people are worth dying for.

If Shane had avoided her for years because of a kiss, he might leave the country over a blow and hand job.

If you ask one question, it will lead you to another, and another. It's like peeling an onion.

Hate will destroy you. Let love be the basis of which you live your life.

I like linebackers. I collect 'em. You can't have too many good ones.

Once you achieve a certain level of success or fame, it becomes really difficult to go against type.

If you ask me if I have this or that principle, tell me what its consequences are, and then I'll tell you whether I have that principle or not.

You get attached to places, you know. Like people, I suppose.

Sometimes the father feels pushed out because of the connection between the mother and the child.