I've asked Comedy Central, and they just say, "I don't know." It took Showtime two years to put my special on DVD. Owning your own content is the single most important thing in the world.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

In my darkness, my pathway was marked by the brightness of light.

Communication is not a two way street. It is a bridge. Either you have one or you build one. It's about connecting, not correcting.

Be good sweet maid and let who will be clever.

Neoliberalism considers the discourse of equality, justice, and democracy quaint, if not dangerous and must be either trivialized, turned into its Orwellian opposite, or eviscerated from public life.

In handling resources, strive to avoid disaster rather than to attain an optimum.

As I look back now I can see that I was a perfect little aristocrat.

I will tell you what I can't abide - and I think the Internet has really created a space for it - women criticizing other women and mothers criticizing other mothers.

Men are most apt to believe what they least understand; and through the lust of human wit obscure things are more easily credited.

A good story often increases the salability of an item without increasing its actual value.

The important thing is not to think much but to love much; do, then, whatever most arouses you to love.