I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

A truly compassionate man gives a poor woman a portion of his meal before he eats, not after he has eaten.

Oh that I had the opportunity to rethink so many of my decisions, for the pitfalls into which I have so frequently fallen were often dug with the shovel of those very decisions.

We cannot really look at the movement of the Spirit, just because It is the Power by which we do the looking.

The greatest defect of common education is, that we are in the habit of putting pleasure all on one side, and weariness on the other; all weariness in study, all pleasure in idleness.

It's not too bad when the sun's out, but the sun only comes out when it feels like coming out.

When the effective leader is finished with his work, the people say it happened naturally.

I believe that every human soul is teaching something to someone nearly every minute here in mortality.

When I am angry I have a judgment and an unmet need.

The spiritual element, the really important part of religion, has no concern with Time and Space, temporary mundane laws, or conduct.

The band is like a vintage car. You take it out to go for a spin for a couple miles, but you wouldn't drive across the country.