I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

A writer who hasn't written anything worth-while is a most doubtful person.

Some of the best advice I got from a close friend is marriage is always looked at from the world as 50/50 as to working together to make that 100 percent.

When we face our problems, they disappear. So learn from failure and let success be the silent incentive.

As happy as I am off the floor, on the floor I am the opposite. I don't take any crap.

Population growth and the proliferation of mega-cities around the world redefines the entire global security agenda.

God's Heart is especially tender toward the downtrodden and the defeated. He knows your name and He has seen every tear you have shed.

My family vacations were softball tournaments.

I have been on the phone 30 minutes with you and you haven't helped me solve this problem.

I have my life on a track that I want it on, and I don't want to get off.

Every established order tends to produce the naturalization of its own arbitrariness.