I've been called a racist before, and let me tell you something - that is harsh. That's a really ugly thing to call someone. That's like being called a Mexican.

When one door closes another door opens. Usually a refrigerator.

My sister might be dumb, but that doesn't make her all that different from the rest of us. She's just like any other American. Except she's Canadian. And retarded.

Well I grew up in Canada in a really small town. We didn't have running water for a long time and we didn't have TV. Then when we did get TV we only had one channel.

You know, women are burdened with all this other crap all the time, like looking good. You need to be really superhuman to be successful as a woman.

I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby... because he's Jewish and I'm Protestant and the baby's father is Catholic.

I grew up in a mixed religious household. And it was volatile. My dad's atheist, my mom's agnostic. Just constant fighting. There's no God! There might be!

If you really are superior, you don't go around saying you're superior - unless you're Jewish.

I love my hunting dog. I loved my hunting dog - I'm not very good at hunting.

I don't think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses; the whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was I should cut my bangs.

Intellectually, I think everyone really knows that women are funny, but it's a weird thing that people keep trotting out.

To see something as either black or white is easy. To see the entirety in something that has blending colors takes time. To see something that’s not there, takes one who is a visionary.

Computers in classrooms are the filmstrips of the 1990s.

The mighty hopes that make us men.

I started out really into musical theater. So you can imagine I was super popular. I wasn't awkward looking at all.

The heart feels, the head compares.

I was one of the few people who thought Star Wars was going to work, and I hadn't even seen any special effects.

They take great pride in making their dinner cost much; I take my pride in making my dinner cost so little.

Every object tells a story if you know how to read it.

To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own.

I'm not insane. This is very simple, very straightforward. Provided he doesn't kill me, its foolproof.