I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

I don't believe in a lot of baggage. It's such a nuisance. Life's too short to fuss with it. And it isn't really necessary

Prosperity tries the fortunate adversity the great.

The day you write to please everyone you no longer are in journalism. You are in show business.

I've developed a new philosophy - I only dread one day at a time.

My plan was never to be an actor like my father...

Looks like macho boy's cool just melted like a Slush Puppie in August.

I HATED the Salinger story. It took me days to go through it, gingerly, a page at a time, and blushing with embarrassment for him every ridiculous sentence of the way. How can they let him do it?

Art in the art world, and culture in general, are branches of the media, which produces our political and social thinking climate.

Working under the Soviet system made you very paranoid - people were afraid of everything - and this paranoia is still in people's minds.

Never say "never" about anything, because if you do, life has a way of humbling you.