I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

No matter how much you water the ground, if the ground holds no seed then no plant is coming out. Don’t expect the plant to come out unless you have sown a seed

I furnished the body that was needed to sit in the defendant's

You are thought here to the most senseless and fit man for the job.

But I do care. I hate myself for it, but I can’t fight this desperate need to try. Try to fit in. Try to make this school experience different than all the previous ones.

Judging the mistakes of strangers is an easy thing to do - and it feels pretty good.

Massage is the study of anatomy in braille.

I have seen the future, and it is still in the future.

We don't celebrate failure in Silicon Valley. We celebrate learning

The 2016 presidential election is ripe for the emergence of a game-changing political leader who either dramatically reforms one of the existing parties or mounts an independent bid.

A great mind must be androgynous.