I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Jack: "..You were the on­ly one I saw when I closed my eyes"Lexi: "Then why wasn't I enough when they were open?

In politics there is a large difference between loosing and being defeated.

I needed only to allow myself to know what I already knew.

There is not one big cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person.

If the ignorance of nature gave birth to gods, the knowledge of nature is calculated to destroy them.

Style is something you can use, and you can be like a magpie, just taking what you want.

You shouldn't be a prisoner of your own ideas.

The voice was gentle, like a scalpel petting the short hairs of your throat.

The most common human act that writing a novel resembles is lying. The working novelist lies daily, very complexly, and at great length.

Vanity is so constantly solicitous of self, that even where its own claims are not interested, it indirectly seeks the aliment which it loves, by showing how little is deserved by others.