I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

We must not be so ready to fancy ourselves intentionally injured... It is very often nothing but our own vanity that deceives us.

Ideas are cheap. Writing them into a freakin' 90k word novel is the hard part.

I'm not buddy-buddy with the players. If they need a buddy, let them buy a dog.

The Bible is the greatest of all books; to study it the noblest of all pursuits; to understand it, the highest of all goals.

When we function from a place of positive energy, the world around us becomes more positive.

Those who remember only that the Roosevelts served hot dogs to the royals will be fascinated by this well-researched account of an historic and ennobling relationship - a great story!

What I like about playing America is you can be pretty sure you're not going to get hit with a full can of beer when you're singing and I really enjoy that!

The thing about loving someone is that you have to love them the way they need to be loved and not the way you want to love them.

Audiences may be stupid, but they are never wrong.

When we're doing an action game, we make the second level first. We begin making level 1 once everything else is completed.