I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

No major war or act of mass killing in the twentieth century began without the aggressors or perpetrators first claiming innocence and victimhood.

If you try to test a river’s depths with both feet, you will drown.

When you are dealing with real life, there is no way to control it.

Heartbreak is the best motivation.

One day, in 1982, for 15 minutes, my hair was perfect.

The thing is, our generation, we fight every day to get through life.

[T]hat is the triumph of history - truth absolute is not at hand; the original with which to match the copy does not exist.

Nowhere in the world would you find such skeletons of cows and bullocks as you do in our cow-worshipping India.

Optimism, that is healthy in its application, will inevitably result in better physical and emotional health.

Meditation is painful in the beginning but it bestows immortal Bliss and supreme joy in the end.