I've been to Japan, I've been to China, I've been to Africa, I've been to the Middle East, I've been to Europe a little bit. I've never been to South America.

I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.

You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

I know nowadays the common wisdom is to celebrate diversity as long as you don't point out that people are different.

I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them.

The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.

The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.

Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.

So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.

People say history is boring, and that is true because people are boring. We haven't changed since time began. We're still the same.

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

I found I could say things with color and shapes that I couldn't say any other way... things I had no words for.

at first sight everyone seems like human.

Thank you, Dr. Phil, for that fine psychological assessment, " I snapped and motioned my chin to Disco. "Why don't you and Oprah here go take a long walk off a short plank and do the world a favor?

The rocket worked perfectly except for landing on the wrong planet.

What the good Lord lets happen, I am not ashamed to print in my paper.

For to know all is to understand all, and this leaves no room for judgment and condemnation.

One had to immerse oneself in one's surroundings and intensely study nature or one's subject to understand how to recreate it.

No decision has been made unless carrying it out in specific steps has become someone's work assignment and responsibility.

The gift of writing is to be self-forgetful...

Calm and silent and steady work, and no newspaper humbug, no name-making, you must always remember.