I've been very lucky because I've always had movies to do. So if I got bored between shows a movie would turn up.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

She was a nice person, she really was, until someone ignorant decided to force that ignorance in her face, and then she just couldn't hold back.

I like voice-over in films, and most of my films have been voice-over films.

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

I attribute much of my success in New York to my ability to understand and avoid unnecessary distractions.

It is unlikely that the good of a snail should reside in its shell: so is it likely that the good of a man should?

A HUMAN ELEMENT is an elegant and haunting first novel. Unrelenting, devious but full of heart. Highly recommended.

Self-loathing doesn't keep me from being happy. But that doesn't mean I don't struggle.

Neither of my parents has been very sensitive about my writing.

I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.

I'm afraid of everything. Fear of being alone, fear of being hurt, fear of being made a fool of, fear of failure... Still, I think all my fears bleed from one big one.