I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time.

There's always something funny about men chasing women.

You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.

Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, Oh, he's good.

You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!

I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.

I just don't like to go out and deal with the real world. It's scary.

Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless shelter, but I'm on 8.

Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city's. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.

My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.

So many wish for magic so many beg for fame, but if you could manifest anything you want life would be a boring game.

Gerry Ford is easy to spot on the course. He drives the cart with the red cross painted on top.

I have survived and possibly I should not hope for more than that.

Vodka Redbull: Upper meets downer in an effervescent hybrid of bubble gum and junkie piss

When a man must force himself to be faithful in his love, this is hardly better than unfaithfulness.

I love writing. I like reading, other people, not myself.

Nourish the mind like you would your body. The mind cannot survive on junk food.

She is pretty to walk with, And witty to talk with, And pleasant, too, to think on.

From National Lampoon, you go directly to Saturday Night Live, because it's a lot of the same people.

Sometimes, when you're close to someone, you miss things. Other people can see them, but you can't.