I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Never underestimate love, as you need estimate to underestimate.

The longeswt love, is the love that cant be!

Men will get no more out of life than they put into it.

I had never touched a computer in my life before I came to Pixar.

I dont believe you need high capacity magazines to go hunt. If you have to use 100 rounds to shoot a deer, youre in trouble.

There ought to be a law against the sun rising and setting for you in somebody else.

I really do miss playing basketball. I don't play a lot of pick-up games. But I do like using basketball as a form of cross training.

It is reported that about 30% of the world's population is unemployed. That's worse than the Great Depression, but it's now an international phenomenon.

What the unpenetrating world call Humanity, is often no more than a weak mind pitying itself.

Grief rolled across the space between us like a wash of salt water.