I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

You know how thick I am. I don't even eat yoghurt because it's got culture in it.

I don't need encouraging. I do well enough on my own.

Either we are a sovereign state, or we are not! As long as we are not, we have no business in a community of sovereign states.

We have perfected our weapons but failed to perfect the men who use them.

Single misfortunes never come alone, and the greatest of all national calamities is generally followed by one greater.

Cleaner, more sustainable energy is possible and can transform our lives, our economies, and our planet.

More than any other figure in our history [Tomas] Jefferson is responsible for the idea of American exceptionalism.

Books are for the most part willfully and hastily written, as parts of a system to supply a want real or imagined.

Nothing is irresistible. There is no feeling that is irresistible.

The measure of self-assurance is how deeply and sincerely interested you are in others; the measure of insecurity is how much you try to impress them with you.