I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

Mind your mind, soon, you will mine from it.

Perfection is pure-fiction.

Wouldn't it be nice to say to people we meet, "I know something good about you, " and then treat them that way? (author unknown)

I have never had any [enemies] other than those of the state.

I could always sing, from a really young age, but my voice was really weird. I used to make my mum turn up the radio every day in our house. She was well into music so I got that from her.

Many axes are being kept under cover, waiting in ambush, ready to pounce, when we resign. Have no worries. We will deliver this homeland to you perfectly clean, as it was in Atatürk's time.

I made the move (to #NYR) thinking about this opportunity, to play in the #StanleyCup Final.

On Chris Evert: Before I even met her, she stood for everything I admired in this country: poise, ability, sportsmanship, money, style.

I am busy with my work. My path is clear.

...She Let Him Just Sit There and Be Happy.