I've got a head of hair better than Rick Perry; it's just not in a place I can show you.

I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.

Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.

I admit I was drinking a Guinness... but I did not swallow.

And I think musicians can better run this state than politicians. And, hell, beauticians can better run the state than politicians.

Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest.

Poly means more than one, and ticks are bloodsucking parasites.

Well, I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job, we never had a home, we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people.

I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property taxes.

When a stray animal crosses your path, it may be as close to God as you're going to get in this lifetime.

People may surprise you with unexpected kindness. Dogs have a depth of loyalty that often we seem unworthy of. But the love of a cat is a blessing, a privilege in this world.

The highest duty is to respect authority.

I just want to continue to do comedy. Comedy, I'm discovering, is my niche. It's what I'm born to do, so I would love to have my own sitcom one day in the future.

The reason I dislike talking about the creative process is that I do have a creative process that is a winner and it's a sure thing.

The gift of self cannot be given to us. It is an incomparable gift that has already been given. We have possessed it from the beginning.

The man who is dissatisfied with himself, what can he do?

I will destroy my enemies by converting them to friends.

There is everything you know and there is everything that happens. When the two do not line up, you make a choice.

It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

Rapport equals trust plus comfort.

Not knowing the thing that’s chasing you is a lot scarier than seeing it right in front of you