I've got a hockey record, I took off my skate and tried to stab a guy, I'm the only person who ever tried that.

I sing seriously to my mom on the phone. To put her to sleep, I have to sing 'Maria' from West Side Story. When I hear her snoring, I hang up.

I immediately said yes for one reason and one reason only....Netflix rhymes with Wet Chicks.

Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it.

Hanukkah is...the festival of lights, instead of one day of presents, we get eight crazy nights

Alright, remember, alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you.

It's hard to soar with the eagles when you're surrounded by turkeys.

On this lovely, lovely Hanukkah, drink your gin and tonica.

Feels good to try, but playing a father, I'm getting a little older. I see now that I'm taking it more serious and I do want that lifestyle.

Of course, I peed my pants, everyone my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink, put you to bed when youve had too much to drink. Oh, it could be so nice to grow old with you, I wanna grow old with you.

With a book he was regardless of time.

Trust in the Lord, He will uplift you.

Loneliness is more painful than being hurt

Does your reality match your expectations? If not it's time to change either your expectations or your reality.

It's hard to smoke a pipe, and it's actually kind of brutal. It burns your mouth and your throat, and to keep it lit.

My notion of a great novel is something like a five-hundred-page shaggy-dog story, with only the punch line omitted.

In enlightenment you have to convince a teacher not only that you are worthy of teaching, but then that they should show you some of the secrets.

Don't piss in my ear and tell me it's raining.

A man is a great bundle of tools. He is born into this life without the knowledge of how to use them. Education is the process of learning their use.

Whatever your discipline, become a student of excellence in all things. Take every opportunity to observe people who manifest the qualities of mastery.