I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

No life is a waste, " the Blue Man said. "The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we're alone.

Oh, I'm good. Seriously, after all these years, you'd think I would stop amazing myself. But here I am, still doing it.

We all get to discover who we really are at some point, and when we do, it can be quite unsettling.

I know I've got a lock on the Dutch Hall of Fame.

I still have that new senator smell.

When the Christ says I: it is the I of all the Masters: the Way, the Truth, the Life

If you become famous and you start making money, then people want to give you things. It's the exact opposite of how it's supposed to be.

Man's obsession to add to his wealth and honor is the chief source of his misery.

Alexander III of Macedon is known as Alexander the Great because he killed more people of more different kinds than any other man of his time.