I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

I didn't set fire to the building.""No, but you did pull it into the river.""That put the fire out!

They say that a near death experience makes a person see a flash of their past, but that hasn't happened to me at all.

Sign this... and I'll show you

She was a blonde nearly young American woman of such dynamism that the tideless waves struggled to get farther up the beach.

I always love to do something different and new and be challenged by different characters.

When Charles first saw our child Mary, he said all the proper things for a new father. He looked upon the poor little red thing and blurted, "She's more beautiful than the Brooklyn Bridge."

Liberals will not let you improve the schools or the educational opportunities for poor people, because they want to maintain their teachers union status quo.

Death by hanging. That, at least, I thought I would be spared.

Anyone must be mainly ignorant or thoughtless, who is surprised at everything he sees; or wonderfully conceited who expects everything to conform to his standard of propriety.

Alack, the night comes on, and the bleak winds Do sorely ruffle; for many miles about There's scarce a bush.