I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Creativity has always depended on openness and flexibility, so let us hope for more of both in the future.

Failures to heroic minds are the stepping stones to success.

I always feel like the editing room is like coming into the kitchen. What kind of a meal do you make from there? It can be anything.

...the majority of people cannot endure the bareness and futility of their lives unless they have some ardent dedication, or some passionate pursuit in which they can lose themselves.

I'd like to know why well-educated idiots keep apologizing for lazy and complaining people who think the world owes them a living.

To live in love is to live in life, and to live in life is to live in love

I have always been an obsessive reader - I remember going back and forth to the local library with stacks of books taller than I was.

This was an unbelievable experience.

Grant us brotherhood, not only for this day but for all our years - a brotherhood not of words but of acts and deeds.

The more absolute the need, the more predictable the behavior becomes until it is mathematically certain.