I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

There is but one task for all --One life for each to give.What stands if Freedom

Justice is the armed defense of innocent liberty.

I say there is no darkness but ignorance, " said William Shakespeare. How would he know, he knew everything?

Soft closer of our eyes! Low murmur of tender lullabies!

I was imprisoned as an innocent person, it's common sense not to go back.

I have said, with respect to authorization bills, that I do not want the Congress or the country to commit fiscal suicide on the installment plan.

If I, deaf, blind, find life rich and interesting, how much more can you gain by the use of your five senses!

A woman flees from temptation, but a man just crawls away from it in the cheerful hope that it may overtake him.

Whatever you think today becomes what you are tomorrow.

You have to be brave and good things will come to you. I