I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

I need the thing that happens when your brain shuts off and your heart turns on.

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreamsOf the beautiful Annabel Lee

Managing in-home nursing is not always easy. It can be terribly frustrating sometimes, and it can take a while to feel like everything is under control, but success is possible.

Everyone loves the idea of internet fast enough that HD movies download in seconds, but if only the telecoms or their partners get to use the high speeds, it's not the internet: It's glorified cable.

The thing that motivates me most in my workouts is when I can learn something new.

Women are the only oppressed group in our society that lives in intimate association with their opressors.

I don't know how to do anything else other than be an actor. If I wasn't in this, I would be in alternative energy and conservation.

Fair is the marigold, for pottage meet.

It is the responsibility of leadership and management to give opportunities and put demands on people which enable them to grow as human beings in their work environment.

I have a fetish for damsels in distress.