I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

That's how it is with a thing like grief as well. It lies oil slick over everything you do. It will pour out through the gaps in the most ordinary afternoons.

Treat your friends as you do your picture and place them in their best light.

I love exploring the relationship between fathers and daughters. I think that's a special thing, especially with daughters who are dealing with being adults.

It's not nice going into the supermarket and the woman at the till is thinking: 'Dodgy keeper'.

Expedients are for the hour, but principles are for the ages.

The outside world is what kept Buffy and Angel from being together.

A sweetly scented angel fell, she laid her head upon my disbelief, and battled with me with her ever smile.

It is as hard for the good to suspect evil, as it is for the bad to suspect good.

I'm a creature who bores, easily. I could never do one job, for the rest of my life.

And hearts resolved and hands prepared The blessings they enjoy to guard.