I've got too much respect for stand-ups to call myself one.

There's a domino effect with certain things you say.

I'm getting positive feedback for my acting so we'll see if any other interesting parts come up.

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

We had a week off in the middle of shooting, but as soon as everyone stopped, we all went down with six different types of flu and other unmentionable diseases.

With stand-up you've just got that one chance. Audiences can be quite fickle.

My forte is playing drunks down the ages. When my agent rings me about a role, I don't ask what the part is, but what century it's in.

I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I'm grumpy and terrible with them. As for doing a gig at a 6-year old's birthday party, you couldn't pay me enough.

When I wasn't as attractive as I am now, I suffered at the hands of cruel children and their taunts until I realised that confidence and a bit of aesthetic care can overcome that.

I love the way my weight fluctuates in the newspapers. It was 18 stone and then people look at a bad picture of me and add a few more stone on. I think the highest was 22 stone.

They look outside the windows of their apartment in town and realize they're not living in a terrace anymore. This is a room full of dreamers who like to go to London for a day.

Back in my day, which was about a week and a half ago, we took our lumps and we got back up and we cried like babies and quit and then put on weight.

Your first love is like your first language. No matter how many other languages you speak, you can never be as good as in your first.

And my seven-year-old world humpty-dumptied, never to be put back together again.

A substantial daily intake of alcohol was the perfect way to stay in shape.

When a man losses faith he betrays a hero

And every job that I had was a stepping stone to my next job and I never quit my job until I had my next job. And so opportunities look a lot like work.

No Jew was ever fool enough to turn Christian unless he was a clever man.

Conscience warns us not to sink our cleats too deeply in mortal turf, which is so dangerously artificial.

Take a chance - it's the best way to test yourself, have fund and push boundaries.

Greediness of getting more deprives... the enjoyment of what it had got.