I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Until our last breath, we must fight the good fight of faith.

...joy we find when we realize God's deep desire to partner with everyday, normal people using their talents to do good.

Feeling is the consciousness of the resulting conditions - of success, failure, equilibrium, compromise or balance, in this continuous rivalry of ideas.

But Pride always means enmity -- it is enmity. And not only enmity between man and man, but enmity to God.

Don't bother me, leave me alone. Anyway, I'm almost grown.

There are moments when our passions speak and decide for us ... like a fire kindled within our being to which everything else in us is mere fuel.

Personally, I'm tired of hearing the whole have-you-no-decency routine from people who have made quite clear that they possess none themselves.

I don't want to dig in the truth all of the time. Let me dream.

Meet your failure nobly, and it will not differ from success.

The universe is a communion of subjects, not a collection of objects.