I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Find time to admire and appreciate the glittering lights on snowflakes.

You are such a kind and caring man, and so sizzling hot and studly. Please, please don’t go nutty on me.

I have loved colours, and not flowers;Their motion, not the swallows wings;And wasted more than half my hoursWithout the comradeship of things.

Our achievements of today are but the sum total of our thoughts of yesterday.

It's no use trying to be different than you are.

To some of us, the nights are too long. To some, the days.

Israel deserves America's friendship in reality - not just in rhetoric.

God sees the secret springs of human action, and knows the hearts of all living.

If you want to travel on the airline system, you give up your privacy. If you want your privacy, don't fly. Flying is voluntary.

Ambition, the soldier's virtue.