I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

I found out that if you made people laugh, they like you. Most people got to like me because I made them laugh. When they didn't, I hit them.

Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guys's out there dancing.

Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.

There have always been mixed emotions about Howard Cosell: Some people hate him like poison; and other people just hate him regular.

I have the gift of laughter. I can make people laugh at will. In good times and in bad. And that I don't question. It was a gift from God.

When I do an hour-and-a-half show, if I don't improvise 20 minutes worth of new material each night, I feel I've let myself down.

A comedian sees the world bent. I'm tangent to the circle.

If we experienced life through the eyes of a child, everything would be magical and extraordinary. Let our curiosity, adventure and wonder of life never end.

There is a virtue in shamelessness.

On my tombstone just write, 'The sorest loser that ever lived.'

There really aren't any deletes [in The Hanover movie]. There's like one or two deleted scenes but they're not important or meaningful scenes.

I'm a really big animal lover.

I'm always learning when I'm surrounded by great people. In every experience, I feel like I'm learning. I'm not like, "Oh good. I'm done! I don't have to learn anymore."

If life is an illusion it's a pretty painful one.

Trees cause pollution.

If we can simply distinguish between the different successive stages of evolution, it is possible to see primeval events within the earthly events of the present.

This was a very typical time. I was single. All you needed was a cup of tea, a light, and your stereo, you know, and that's what I had.