I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

We are shaped by every endured situation.

Heaven is not a republic.

God is trustworthy—He always keeps His promises.

How could he possibly bow deeply enough to honor a thousand-year-old samurai queen?

my cat is always looking at me like i am forgetting something crucial and he depends on it

If they break your heart, break their bones

Excellence nourishes the soul.

In this world it is becoming more and more unpopular to be a Christian. Soon it may become dangerous.

If someone has repented once of a sin, and again does the same sin, this is a sign that he has not been cleansed of the causes of the sin, wherefrom, as from a root, the shoots spring forth again.

Maybe there is no one perfect person and anyone you end up with will eventually make you think there’s someone better out there.