I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

I must say, cowboy, I'm impressed. I was worried you could only handle eight seconds at a time.

The mind is powerful, and you have more control than you think.

There is no doubt PC prices will be coming down.

I keep my campaign promises, but I never promised to wear stockings.

Remember, if people talk about you behind your back, it only means you are two steps ahead of them.

The form [of literature] matters little to me, classical or not.

Lack of homework shows up in the marketplace as well as in the classroom.

The Method of Bisection is a sophisticated version of a tool used in fifth grade called "Guess and Check".

There was an inquiry just last week about the new Bette Midler show, and I just didn't want to do that.

There are lots of conflicts going on in the Middle East. It is unclear as to which country will emerge, if any, as the dominant or hegemonic power in the Middle East.