I've just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn't know them, I wouldn't know they were funny from the television. I don't know what it does, it just sucks it away.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

How could she ever know that someone would pick her story up and carry it with him everywhere?

Filipinos want beauty. I have to look beautiful so that the poor Filipinos will have a star to look at from their slums.

Whatever it is, go back and do it again.

Writing is like the relationship with your bowels. First you can, then you can't. Finally, you must. Only then should you reach for the paper.

I know for me, and what the Bible teaches, I want to have a relationship with Jesus.

Perhaps you've only grown up when you can bear not being understood.

An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven't been done before.

I still need practice in enjoying the fruits of success.

Every human being has an impact on another.

Christlikeness is your eventual destination, but your journey will last a lifetime.