I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Let's always try to paint the truth ... our art must be made to mean something.

fear is the starter pistol to life's greatest moments

Oh, Irrylath, Irrylath, we squaundered our two years together.

I think a good thing that needs to change is that people should be at least fearless about expressin' themselves.

Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.

Boredom has always been a problem.

The key is to really have tremendously high expectations and to teach kids how to be self sufficient and confident and give them the skills that they need to succeed.

I think the first half of my 20s I felt I had to achieve, achieve, achieve. A lot of men do this. I'm looking around now and I'm like, Where am I running?

The only thing I know is this: I am full of wounds and still standing on my feet.

I think most gypsies all over the world are used to being not really welcome and always on the run, expecting people to not like them and to be critical.