I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

But while they continued staring into one another’s face waiting for the miracle of science the pain grew worse.

Americans have a tendency to believe that when there's a problem there must be a solution.

Energy is the belief in a separation and that which creates and keeps the illusion alive.

Louis Braille created the code of raised dots for reading and writing that bears his name and brings literacy, independence, and productivity to the blind.

Every addition to true knowledge is an addition to human power.

When you're feeling down, did you know that you can change it in an instant? Put on a beautiful piece of music or start singing - that'll change your emotion.

One of our forefathers must have read a forbidden book.

What was my great sin? To have revealed the private property of the bank - well if this is being a criminal, then maybe I'm a great criminal.

The world is so average, it doesn't take much to be a genius, just do a little extra

When shopping was still connected to the street it was also an intensification and articulation of the street. Now it has become utterly independent - contained, controlled, surveyed.