I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

There will come a time in every girl's life when she realizes that your ex-girlfriend wasn't crazy. Actually, she was right (about you).

There is no perfect lover or perfect love, only longing for love and be beloved.

I am in awe of flowers. Not because of their colors, but because even though they have dirt in their roots, they still grow. They still bloom.

I want to hold you like a kitten in my shirt, and still I want to spread your thighs and plow ye like a rotting bull. I dinna understand myself.

The one important thing I have learned over the years is the difference between taking one's work seriously and taking one's self seriously. The first is imperative and the second is disastrous.

I leafed through the pages, inhaling the enchanted scent of promise that comes with all new books, and stopped to read the start of a sentence that caught my eye.

What is the distinguishing mark of an aristocrat?' she asked him suddenly.'Reverence,' he replied.

I didn't work on the killing floor. I worked in the section where you break the meat down and package it

Good storytelling is harder than it sounds, but the easy part is that everyone has the ability to do it. ...Tap into it.

I've always been bored with just making money. I've wanted to do things; I wanted to build things, to get something going. What money meant to me was that I was able to get money to do that for me.