I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

A stick or a stone only stings for a minute. A name seems to hurt forever.

Social media is where losers go to feel important.

I started watching golf for the first time yesterday. I'm really worried about myself. I was actually enjoying it.

Through a tree we were made debtors to God; so through a tree we have our debt canceled.

It's hard work to make a four-minute program look effortless and elegant.

The public doesn't mind people living together without being married, providing they don't overdo it.

I have known men who have been sold and bought a hundred times, who have only got very fat and very comfortable in the process of exchange.

As a result, socialism and communism, in particular, use government to suppress religion to such a degree as to leave the one true God out entirely.

Surely whoever speaks to me in the right voice, him or her shall I follow.

Humanity either makes, or breeds, or tolerates all its afflictions.