I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

It is an extravagant gesture, ' she said, turning to the torpedo, 'which is just the sort of gesture I like.

Perhaps memory is a thing that everyone involved has to work at, like stitching up a big quilt out of everything that ever happened to you.

Know the true definition of yourself. That is essential.Then, when you know your own definition, flee from it.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

I fancy that most people who think at all have done a great deal of their thinking in the first fourteen years.

I am the best in the world at what I do!

What about your mind, does it shine?

Everyone has a price.

Virtue is the first title of nobility.

There really isn't a day when I wake up and DON'T have to be someplace.