I've seen better coverage at an Alan Keyes press conference.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

The church is a house of prayer for all nations

It doesn't matter what your boss thinks as long as he doesn't cry.

your life can change in an instant. that instant can last forever.

I highly suggest marriage to all my friends who are dating.

I don't have fights with actors. In absolute honesty, I've never fought with any actor ever.

I respect all artists, just some more than the others. Because it's something that really needs to be done.

The rational man finds that his share of the cost of the wastes he discharges into the commons is less than the cost of purifying his wastes before releasing them.

When your mouth drops open, click the shutter.

All of a sudden you're like the Bin Laden of America. Osama Bin Laden is the only one who knows what I'm going through.

It's a hard life sometimes and the biggest temptation is to let how hard it is be an excuse to weaken