I've shown people Richard Pryor who've never seen him, and most of them don't like him.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

You reach a point where the pain gets so acute you do not feel it anymore, but to reach that point, you experience so much pain that you're unable to forget the suffering that led you there.

The mere apprehension of a coming evil has put many into a situation of the utmost danger.

I'm pretty sure this is it for the teen movie thing. It's so frustrating to read when you get to page 20 and you're like, Oy! It's the same thing again!

Perhaps we've never been visited by aliens because they have looked upon Earth and decided there's no sign of intelligent life.

We must be willing to be guided of God, not merely now and then, but as a life proposition.

Every generation of children offers mankind the possibility of rebuilding his ruin of a world.

May I say that I am delighted that my favorite alpha is feeling better. Why, you'll be running recklessly into danger against overwhelming odds anytime now.

The US dollar will make new lows

Sometimes in the morning, when it's a good surf, I go out there, and I don't feel like it's a bad world.

Refuse to let an old person move into your body.