I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

The essence of being human is that one does not seek perfection.

There are times when sympathy is as necessary as the air we breathe.

It's very difficult to make comedy work; I think it's a very underrated genre.

It has become more and more obvious that there is one political party in America, and that is The Business Party.

Between 1994 and the year 2000, when the Republican majority was in control of the House of Representatives, President Clinton played House Speaker Newt Gringrich like a violin!

I like a girl who's smart, they have to be able to grasp witty sarcasm.

I'm very lucky. I'm very fortunate that my books have never gone out of print - none of them

Questions draw us together. Answers push us apart.

Every wolf's and lion's howl Raises from Hell a human soul.